Coming out to our loved ones – and this is imperative – only whose feelings matter to us and who love us truly – is a difficult thing for most nonbelievers. For the rest of the world, our disbelief shouldn’t really generate much angst. But with loved ones, the act requires you to have clarity and acceptance in your mind about what the conversation should be about and what the outcome should look like.
If we treat a ‘deconversion’ or ‘coming-out’ conversation as an argument to be won, we’ll almost certainly lose something we don’t want to lose. We probably cannot convince them of our atheism or prevent them, at some level, from thinking we’re spiritually mistaken — because their worldview obligates that judgment. They haven’t processed this novel way of existing and engaging with the world. All they want is that we all spend ‘good’ ‘heaven’ time together for ‘eternity’. These are concepts that are so powerful that it takes powerful internal rockets and favourable weather conditions to achieve escape velocity. There are very low chances of pulling someone out of religious gravity from the outside. So the goal has to shift from changing their belief to changing the way our disbelief is framed in their minds. Now, that is achievable!
- Avoid confrontational posturing. Do not trigger judgement reflexes that comes very easily for the religious. Mocking belief as “indoctrination”; treating faith as unintelligent rather than inherited; demanding they renounce hell to respect you; framing disbelief as intellectual superiority are all unnecessary rug-pulling that will throw the conversation off balance. Our one job is to keep avenues of communication open and the relationship intact. We are simply sharing ourselves with them to let them know that we didn’t leave because we wanted less meaning or fewer moral demands. We left because we are honest and diligent with truth as demanded by our conscience and that living truthfully matters to us as much as it does for them. This makes atheism intelligible, even if it remains theologically wrong to them. There is a chance they see it as an aspect of ‘god-seeking’ and that it will lead to that future return to the fold. This makes the conversation a journey and not a single point of contact while the relationship remains one that can include togetherness, shared time, shared morality and all the smiles and fun that family brings. You cannot control whether they privately think you are mistaken or that you will return. You can control whether they think you are: shallow, immoral, rebellious, or unserious. Aim for respectful disagreement, not conversion.
- Stop aiming for “agreement”; aim for “moral legibility”
What we want is not their conversion to our point of view but a realization that our atheism is sincere, reflective, and ethically serious. That reframes us from rebellious/lazy/hedonistic to thoughtful/conscientious/sacrificing — which matters enormously in Christian moral psychology. Start with shared moral grounds like honesty, compassion, responsibility, selflessness. This signals continuity rather than rupture. Ensuring the ground on which we all stand is a common one calms some of the fear that atheism evokes in the religious. Separating the threat of our worldview rubbing off on them is another pitfall we need to actively avoid. The conversation is a relationship-saving act, so removing the threat of proselytizing this new worldview is key. - Lead with conscience, not conclusions
Christians are trained to distrust intellectual pride but respect conscience. So don’t start with: “I don’t believe God exists.” “Religion isn’t rational.” “Christianity doesn’t make sense.” Start with something like: “I took my beliefs seriously enough that I couldn’t just take what was handed down to us or repeated over and over. We don’t want to be brainwashed, we want to truly seek. I put a lot of work in this seeking.” “My values did not disappear when I questioned belief – they only became clearer in my mind.” This frames your atheism as obedience to truth, not rejection of the god idea and that survives diligent scrutiny when real people are affected. - Explicitly reject the “hedonism narrative”
Many believers subconsciously think disbelief is about convenience. Disarm that directly: “If belief were just about comfort or ease, it would be easier for me to stay religious. This has actually cost me a lot. My time, my effort, my community.” Mention that we have not avoided the big questions – meaning, suffering, responsibility, death. We have spent a lot of time considering them and come out the way we have. Cost is a powerful signal of sincerity for the sincerely religious. - Address condemnation indirectly, not head-on
If you confront “Do you think I’m going to hell?” directly, you force them into doctrinal corners from which there is no escape without compromising their worldview. Instead, we are presenting our honesty and engagement with meaning that can be interpreted, within their worldview, as virtuous acts. Christian ethics contain concepts we can lean on: invincible ignorance/sincere error (even if they don’t use that language. We can hint at this gently: “If god exists and is just, I trust he would understand that I didn’t arrive here lightly or rebelliously.” This lets them mentally place you in a less condemned category without explicitly denying theology. We’re giving them a face-saving exit. - Accept the irreducible remainder
Even if you do everything right, this may remain true: Somewhere in their mind, they will at worst, condemn you as a heretic that will be a bad influence on them or, at best, continue to hope you “come back” into the fold. Either way, you have succeeded in keeping communication avenues open. They will realize your love and continue to love you within the limits of their framework. Trying to eliminate that entirely is like trying to convince a doctor not to worry about an untreated illness.
Now prepare for more family time, fun and together time on ‘important’ things – even if it means occasional conversations about the ‘unimportant’ ones – depending on whose perspective is deciding the importance!
My 2 cents 